So the wheels are slowly moving

Last night I had a long talk with basically my supervisor. The gist of it is that I'm in charge of the Biology and all that the lab stuff that is needed there. Physics and Chemistry have been taken care of. Then this evening, I've got more paperwork and information that is making this posting a reality rather than a musing or an academic proability.

Needless to say, I'm starting to get a bit nervous now that this is becoming a reality. From the information that I've gathered, it's a similar game set that I have dealt with in other places, but in Malaysia. The other big deal is that we are right next to Singapore and that is a big boon for exit strategies if needed. I have been in contact with other colleagues in regards to other opportunities and that's pretty damned grand.

It's not a posting where it's in a corner and that's it. There is room to breathe and look around as necessary. It was that loss of freedom that kind of made me panic at that last posting, since it was so limiting and made me desperate in a way. If things start to not work and there are no escape routes, I tend to get nervous.

So that's that. I'm forcing myself to stay up until late so that I can have tomorrow to do some errand running and look at Biology textbooks to see what is out there.

The other thing that has been on my mind lately is that I'm basically a big wuss when it comes telling someone how I feel about them, despite the fact that I've been low key pining for this person for about eleven years. I was married to someone else when I met him, then he had someone, then I moved, then he got his heart stomped on, I moved, etc. It's not perfect timing, it somehow never is. Yet I'm still debating saying something to him.

I guess that I'm haunted by missed chances and by the fact that I didn't do that with the now dead HS friend. Even though I'm like 100% nothing was really going to happen there, I wish that for my own sake, I had been brave enough to have at least said something.

But then part of me is like "Well, is that a fair cop?"

I'd rather not complicate things and play it safe. I don't have very many friends that I can afford to lose and in the long run, low key pining and moving on makes the best sense in this group of friends.

Anyways, funny how I can be a pretty competent and capable teacher, yet my personal life is on a level of a middle schooler hoping sempai notices her.

There's hope I can grow up to be McGonnagal yet.


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